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Running On Empty
I’m entering the third or fourth day of not really having relaxed or properly slept and thus my brain is particularly smooth, mostly bouncing between ideas of trying to remember what client might be mad at me at a particular time or whether I need to do something, and then trying to write down said ideas before they fly out the window. I’m used to running in this state because if I get anything below, say, seven and a half hours my body begins to break down, I get headaches, I feel like my head is swimming, and I assume this is something to do with me being a giant, weeping baby of a man. Just a total wuss on many levels.
In truth, I think it’s that plus the fact I bike all the time and my body is desperately trying to recover at all times, and my diet is trash, and I am a bad person. So, there you go. I am currently on my fourth pillow of the year, doing everything I can to find a way to make my neck stop hurting other than visiting a doctor. Why would I leave the house and speak to a professional when I could stay at home and complain about it? To me, that’s the most efficient route.
I’ve never been good at organization, for several pretty obvious reasons, and thus times when I’m particularly tired things feel astronomically worse, significantly more so than they actually are. My actual organization mostly consists of endless pages of notes that I check on to make sure I didn’t miss something truly critical, but days like today make it feel like my brain is greased up and I’m barely able to grab it. This is usually the time when I say to myself “okay, I need a day off,” but we all know that isn’t happening to anyone anytime soon. Conversely, I did give one of my guys a few days off because he’s been burning the midnight oil a lot, and that’s good, because I am sure he feels the same way.
Times like this I also get loops of songs stuck in my head. Today’s is this:
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. It’s so well-timed, not just in matching the BPM, but in the fact it matches with Eminem pointing and his little jumps. I feel like seeing and listening to things like this gives me some sort of relief from the mental side of work, but the annoyance I have is that I am getting to work, sitting down at my desk, and immediately thinking “wow, I’m exhausted.” I don’t actually know what I can do to defuse my brain a bit - I have turned all relaxation during the work day into more work, and thus it’s very difficult to say when I am truly disengaged. Even after work, even when the baby is in bed, my brain is saying that there is more to do, and I am aware that I have only a little bit of time before I sleep, and then it’s onto tomorrow.
But whatever, at least I get to do the job on the computer. I could have to be outside, where it’s kinda cold and my body gets tired from lifting stuff.
One of these days I’m gonna work out a way to release the pressure in my brain. Yes, I’ve tried the obvious solutions both drug and meditation related, but something about me seems entirely keyed into the processes and requirements of the next hour, or day, or week. I think I really appreciated flying for this (which is insane) - there is a basically guaranteed 30-45 minute period, even if you’re on a flight with internet, that you can’t do anything internet related, where you really don’t have any ability to do anything, you are literally stuck in one place, and there is a unique combination of events that means you can’t be expected to respond, you are trapped in one place and unable to do anything that you can’t do there.
God, I sound like a maniac! Ahh! What’s wrong with me?
Anyway, I wonder if anyone else feels like this, and if they’ve ever dealt with it. Have a good day everyone.